Saturday, February 19, 2011

What is life worth if you are tired of living?  What can you do when life becomes so mundane that all you want to do is nothing?  Day after day doing the same thing over and over... it makes her so. insane.  She's just not sure what to do anymore.  Can she be a different person?  Maybe.  Could she go back to the way things were, when she loved life and wanted to stick around to see how her story ended?  Probably not.  Can she move on with her life and accept that she can’t change her situation for another year and a half?  She doesn’t even know.  If her inner turmoil gets any worse, the answer may be no.  She is so tired of living the same day over and over again and she's just not sure how to go on.  Who can she turn to for help?  Therapists don’t seem to help.  Pills don’t seem to help.  No one ever tells her anything helpful.  She needs help.  Something other than therapists and antidepressants and people talking talking talking at her.  All she hears is blah blah blah and nothing else.  No words.  Sometimes she just feel like disappearing.  She can’t cry anymore.  She can’t laugh, or scream, and even talk sometimes.  She used to be such a happy, strong, independent person and now all she feels is sadness.  All she feels is lost and abandoned.  What is life worth if you are tired of living?  She wishes she knew.  She wishes she knew she wishes she knew.  She wishes she knew what the deal was and she wishes she could get over all this shit.  Life keeps on going and she just keeps plugging along but she doesn’t know if she can do it any more.  She doesn’t know if she can keep on living this way.  To her mother, she is sorry.  To her father, she is sorry.  Her brothers and her sisters and everyone she has ever loved, she is so sorry.  She has given up.  Apparently things just can’t be put right and she can’t do anything about that.  What she can do is save you all the stress of worrying about her day in and day out.  She can fix all the things she has done with one simple act.  She doesn’t know what she has to live for anymore and she is done trying to figure it out.  But what makes her angry is that no one knows.  She can’t tell a single person.  Probably because she doesn’t want to hear the excuses that they will give her as to what she has to live for.  She knows it is all bullshit.  Some one, some where will come along and sweep you off your feet, and you will want to live for him and him alone.  Yeah, right.  Fuck that.  She is done with this bullshit called her life and she wants out.  

Friday, February 11, 2011

Not sure what to say.

One step forward and two steps back.  That's how it feels these days.  Things get good, then they get bad.  Her spirits are lifted, and then she is shot down again.  Her thoughts and feelings are all in a jumbled mess and she's not sure what to say.  She just wishes that she could drop into nothingness and stay there for a long time.  What is life worth if you don't even want to get out of your bed in the morning?  What can you do to be happy? Every idea she comes up with just doesn't seem to be the answer.  She's not sure of anything right now.