What is life worth if you are tired of living?  What can you do when life becomes so mundane that all you want to do is nothing?  Day after day doing the same thing over and over... it makes her so. insane.  She's just not sure what to do anymore.  Can she be a different person?  Maybe.  Could she go back to the way things were, when she loved life and wanted to stick around to see how her story ended?  Probably not.  Can she move on with her life and accept that she can’t change her situation for another year and a half?  She doesn’t even know.  If her inner turmoil gets any worse, the answer may be no.  She is so tired of living the same day over and over again and she's just not sure how to go on.  Who can she turn to for help?  Therapists don’t seem to help.  Pills don’t seem to help.  No one ever tells her anything helpful.  She needs help.  Something other than therapists and antidepressants and people talking talking talking at her.  All she hears is blah blah blah and nothing else.  No words.  Sometimes she just feel like disappearing.  She can’t cry anymore.  She can’t laugh, or scream, and even talk sometimes.  She used to be such a happy, strong, independent person and now all she feels is sadness.  All she feels is lost and abandoned.  What is life worth if you are tired of living?  She wishes she knew.  She wishes she knew she wishes she knew.  She wishes she knew what the deal was and she wishes she could get over all this shit.  Life keeps on going and she just keeps plugging along but she doesn’t know if she can do it any more.  She doesn’t know if she can keep on living this way.  To her mother, she is sorry.  To her father, she is sorry.  Her brothers and her sisters and everyone she has ever loved, she is so sorry.  She has given up.  Apparently things just can’t be put right and she can’t do anything about that.  What she can do is save you all the stress of worrying about her day in and day out.  She can fix all the things she has done with one simple act.  She doesn’t know what she has to live for anymore and she is done trying to figure it out.  But what makes her angry is that no one knows.  She can’t tell a single person.  Probably because she doesn’t want to hear the excuses that they will give her as to what she has to live for.  She knows it is all bullshit.  Some one, some where will come along and sweep you off your feet, and you will want to live for him and him alone.  Yeah, right.  Fuck that.  She is done with this bullshit called her life and she wants out.  

Not sure what to say.

One step forward and two steps back.  That's how it feels these days.  Things get good, then they get bad.  Her spirits are lifted, and then she is shot down again.  Her thoughts and feelings are all in a jumbled mess and she's not sure what to say.  She just wishes that she could drop into nothingness and stay there for a long time.  What is life worth if you don't even want to get out of your bed in the morning?  What can you do to be happy? Every idea she comes up with just doesn't seem to be the answer.  She's not sure of anything right now.

Make Believe

Let's make believe
That life is normal
That somewhere on this big blue planet
Someone out there really cares

Let's make believe
That some things had never happened
That you and I had never met, for
It hurts too much to think about you

Let's make believe
That I'm not scared of love
Ant that I could actually
Love you

Let's make believe
That this world were perfect
That I was even remotely
Close to perfect.

Please, Let's make believe
Just for a little while
That I was capable of all the things
That you thought I was capable of

But the truth is, my dear that I'm not,
And make believe can never be real,
That's why they call it
Make Believe.

Life.

Life sucks, and then you die.

Sure hope it's better in the next life.

What is the next life? she wonders. Is it another world? Is it another dimension? Is it Heaven or is it Hell? Or are we reborn into a new lifetime without any recollection of our former life or lives? Or maybe we do remember, and we avoid making the same mistakes we made before. Although, if that were the case, everyone would be perfect and nothing bad would happen. Doubtful, don't you think? She does.

As she is descending the stairs one day, she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror on the wall. She stops to get a better look. Her hair is big and frizzy. Her cheeks are pale. The freckles covering every inch of her face are easily visible. She finds herself dreadfully plain. With a sigh she turns away from her reflection and continues down the stairs.

Life drives her crazy, but she lives for it. She lives for the thrill of kissing her boyfriend passionately on her bed as they listen attentively for footsteps on the stairs. She lives for the way her touches her. She lives for orchestra. She lives for music. She lives for books. She lives for paper and pen. She lives for everything and everyone... But herself.

Sometimes you just know.

Sometimes you just know
when that one person
is the right person

Sometimes you just know
when he smiles at you
when he makes you laugh
you just know
that he is near-perfect

Sometimes you just know
as you're laying together
holding each other
kissing each other

Sometimes you just know
you just feel it
you know its real
with every kiss
and every touch
you just know
when you're in love.

Finally, Finally, Finally.

     They met during the first week of school.  She sat at his lunch table one day with her friends from orchestra.  She smiled at him every time she realized that he was looking at her.  She was quiet, and sometimes, he observed, she looked a little sad.  He had no idea why she was sad, but he felt the need to wrap her in a hug every time he saw that look cross her face.  He always wondered what she could be thinking when she looked like that.  She was way more beautiful when she was happy.
     She didn't notice the looks he gave her often, but when she did, she could tell he was interested.  He always made a funny face when she caught him looking, and she giggled and looked back down at her lunch.  He sure was cute.
     They hung out for the first time in the downtown area with a mutual friend.  They walked all over for a good four hours, finally returning home exhausted and hungry.  Then she went on a weekend vacation to see her older brother.  They sent messages back and forth, getting to know each other over text messages.
     The next weekend was homecoming.  He had to be at the game, so he stayed after school.  She stayed with him to keep him company.  As they were wandering the halls at school, he asked her some questions.  He asked if she liked him as a friend, or possibly more than a friend.  She said yes to both.  He asked, "If I asked you out would you say yes?"  She said maybe.  Then he finally, finally asked, "Will you go out with me?"  She smiled her biggest smile, happy as any girl could ever be that finally, finally, someone liked her, she said yes.
     They went to homecoming together, October 9.  They kissed, October 9.  They said "I love you," October 28.  They're going on two months.
     She is so happy that finally, finally, someone loves her like he does.

What she feels and what she wants to feel...

What she feels and what she wants to feel are two completely different things.  She feels lost, like a page torn out of a book and used to clean up a mess, although she hoped no one ever did that to a book, no matter what the book was about.  When a page is missing, the story will no longer make since.  She feels like a page was torn out of the book about her life and nothing makes since anymore.  What now? she thinks.  What am I supposed to do?  She doesn't know where to start.  There are moments in the day when she just feels like sitting in a corner all alone and crying her eyes out.  She doesn't know why.  She just wants to cry.  She feels like it would make her feel better.
What she wants to feel is loved.  She wants to feel normal, and she wants to feel like there is at least one person in her life who gives a shit about her.  All her parents are concerned about is each other.  They don't care if she gets up and goes to school in the morning, or if she eats three meals a day, or if she drinks enough water to keep her alive.  They don't care.
Of course, she does all these things, because she believes that there is something to live for; someone somewhere will come along one day and starting caring.  So she does get up every weekday at  six AM and goes to school, she does her school work, and her homework.  She makes the grades.  She eats three meals a day and she lives.  She lives absently, in her own little world for a majority of the time, but she lives and walks and sometimes she talks.
One day, she hopes, someone will be there for her.  Someone will love her the way her parents never did, never could, and she will feel like she has some purpose in the world.  It is a small thread of hope, but it is her hope and it is what keeps her going from day to day without giving up.