Everyone is talking at me...

-Jimmy Buffet. ^^

She knows what she wants. She wants to graduate. She is ready to be out in the world, living her own life. But will they listen? No. They think that because she wants to graduate three months early that she doesn't plan on finishing her college education. And now they refuse to talk to her about it. She brought it to them the way they asked: in a calm, grown up, non-argumentative way. Now she doesn't know what to do. She is torn between listening to what they wish for her to do and following her heart. Her heart is telling her to graduate early, go to the college that she wants, and live her life the way she wants to. Her parents are telling her to stay at school for a pointless three months in which she will become lazy and go to the college that they want her to go to and do what they want her to do. She knows what she wants. She wants to write. She wants to play music. She wants to be a whole semester ahead of the kids her age. She hates that her parents don't think she can do it. Why? Just because they didn't end up where they really wanted to be doesn't mean she has to do the same. She doesn't want to set her goals sky high only to find herself half way there when her first child is born. She wants to go to the top. She wants to ignore what her parents say and go to the institution that she wants to go to and be done with her parents' rules. How she wishes she could...

Media.

The media is a thing from hell. As she sits in the salon waiting for her sister, she is reading a magazine with an article about Natalie Portman. The girl is tiny, at least a size four. She thinks, "I wish I was that small." She knows she could be, or she couldn't be. The latter is more likely. Pictures like Natalie's just depress her. As if she doesnt have enough to deal with. She just wants so many things in life, above all to be confident in herself. She wants to be happy with her size, which she isn't right now. She wants to love her freckles and her frizzy, curly hair, not wish her face was smooth and clean and her hair was straight and beautiful. Really, the only thing she likes about herself is her eyes, and the way they sparkle when she is truely happy, which she hasnt seen in a long time. She sighs. What is she going to do?

What is life worth if you are tired of living?  What can you do when life becomes so mundane that all you want to do is nothing?  Day after day doing the same thing over and over... it makes her so. insane.  She's just not sure what to do anymore.  Can she be a different person?  Maybe.  Could she go back to the way things were, when she loved life and wanted to stick around to see how her story ended?  Probably not.  Can she move on with her life and accept that she can’t change her situation for another year and a half?  She doesn’t even know.  If her inner turmoil gets any worse, the answer may be no.  She is so tired of living the same day over and over again and she's just not sure how to go on.  Who can she turn to for help?  Therapists don’t seem to help.  Pills don’t seem to help.  No one ever tells her anything helpful.  She needs help.  Something other than therapists and antidepressants and people talking talking talking at her.  All she hears is blah blah blah and nothing else.  No words.  Sometimes she just feel like disappearing.  She can’t cry anymore.  She can’t laugh, or scream, and even talk sometimes.  She used to be such a happy, strong, independent person and now all she feels is sadness.  All she feels is lost and abandoned.  What is life worth if you are tired of living?  She wishes she knew.  She wishes she knew she wishes she knew.  She wishes she knew what the deal was and she wishes she could get over all this shit.  Life keeps on going and she just keeps plugging along but she doesn’t know if she can do it any more.  She doesn’t know if she can keep on living this way.  To her mother, she is sorry.  To her father, she is sorry.  Her brothers and her sisters and everyone she has ever loved, she is so sorry.  She has given up.  Apparently things just can’t be put right and she can’t do anything about that.  What she can do is save you all the stress of worrying about her day in and day out.  She can fix all the things she has done with one simple act.  She doesn’t know what she has to live for anymore and she is done trying to figure it out.  But what makes her angry is that no one knows.  She can’t tell a single person.  Probably because she doesn’t want to hear the excuses that they will give her as to what she has to live for.  She knows it is all bullshit.  Some one, some where will come along and sweep you off your feet, and you will want to live for him and him alone.  Yeah, right.  Fuck that.  She is done with this bullshit called her life and she wants out.  

Not sure what to say.

One step forward and two steps back.  That's how it feels these days.  Things get good, then they get bad.  Her spirits are lifted, and then she is shot down again.  Her thoughts and feelings are all in a jumbled mess and she's not sure what to say.  She just wishes that she could drop into nothingness and stay there for a long time.  What is life worth if you don't even want to get out of your bed in the morning?  What can you do to be happy? Every idea she comes up with just doesn't seem to be the answer.  She's not sure of anything right now.

Make Believe

Let's make believe
That life is normal
That somewhere on this big blue planet
Someone out there really cares

Let's make believe
That some things had never happened
That you and I had never met, for
It hurts too much to think about you

Let's make believe
That I'm not scared of love
Ant that I could actually
Love you

Let's make believe
That this world were perfect
That I was even remotely
Close to perfect.

Please, Let's make believe
Just for a little while
That I was capable of all the things
That you thought I was capable of

But the truth is, my dear that I'm not,
And make believe can never be real,
That's why they call it
Make Believe.

Life.

Life sucks, and then you die.

Sure hope it's better in the next life.

What is the next life? she wonders. Is it another world? Is it another dimension? Is it Heaven or is it Hell? Or are we reborn into a new lifetime without any recollection of our former life or lives? Or maybe we do remember, and we avoid making the same mistakes we made before. Although, if that were the case, everyone would be perfect and nothing bad would happen. Doubtful, don't you think? She does.

As she is descending the stairs one day, she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror on the wall. She stops to get a better look. Her hair is big and frizzy. Her cheeks are pale. The freckles covering every inch of her face are easily visible. She finds herself dreadfully plain. With a sigh she turns away from her reflection and continues down the stairs.

Life drives her crazy, but she lives for it. She lives for the thrill of kissing her boyfriend passionately on her bed as they listen attentively for footsteps on the stairs. She lives for the way her touches her. She lives for orchestra. She lives for music. She lives for books. She lives for paper and pen. She lives for everything and everyone... But herself.

Sometimes you just know.

Sometimes you just know
when that one person
is the right person

Sometimes you just know
when he smiles at you
when he makes you laugh
you just know
that he is near-perfect

Sometimes you just know
as you're laying together
holding each other
kissing each other

Sometimes you just know
you just feel it
you know its real
with every kiss
and every touch
you just know
when you're in love.